The power of satire and Birds Aren’t Real

Taken from Google.

“I’m just a man of the people, not above but equal, and for the greater good, I walk amongst the evil” — J. Cole

I went down an internet wormhole doing research (thats the official term for a few hours spent on wikipedia looking up internet consiparicies). My roomate introduced me to Birds Aren’t Real a couple years back and they had completely dropped from my mind.

Originally I had chalked it up to a group of guys, as the British put it, taking the piss. It’s not until much later that I have come to appreciate the subtle genius of the movements intellectual anarchy.

Yes, you read that right. I’m promoting Birds Aren’t Real. A conspiracy theory that birds are not biological creatures, birthed by mother nature, but government drones sent to spy on us.

While I originally held my own suspicion about the validity of the science backing the movement, I confess that I am now drawn to the spirit of anarchism that spawned it.

Amongst the legitimate conspiracy theories out there, circulating behind the scenes is this gem. And I’m here to say, it’s time to give it a little recognition.

Psychologists have speculated on what makes a person suceptible to believing in consipiracy theories. What element of the human psyche pulls someone into believing something so outrageous, it defies all common sense?

There are different consiparcies running around out there in the web.

They range from harmless celebrity gossip columns (Avril Lavigne is dead, Tupac is alive, Matt Groening is a time traveller).

To the ones about aliens (Area 51, UFO’s, the Pyramids, Stonehenge and the Easter Island heads).

The ones about monsters (Sasquatch, Loch Ness, Ogopogo).

The ones about sports (the NBA is rigged, Michael Jordan was poisoned by a Utah based, mafioso run pizza joint, The All Blacks were poisoned by the South African government, Tom Brady didn’t have those balls deflated).

To the scientific (we’re in a simulation like the Matrix, there are infinite universes).

To the more sinister (The Illuminati, Bush did 9/11 etc).

Whether you beleive any of these or not, you’ve definitely heard about them. Some of them, you may even believe yourself, or are at least sceptical of. And that is the point.

Whatever evidence there may or may not be, for any of the theories listed above, is irrelevant. What’s important is the belief.

Belief is irrefutable. There isn’t any evidence you can provide that will convince somebody Bigfoot isn’t real if they choose to ignore it.

It’s why our legal system and science is based on observation. It isn’t about what you know, it’s about what you can prove.

It’s tough to prove anything to a judge, jury and legal team comprised of one kook.

And that’s where Birds Aren’t Real comes in. This thinly veiled marketing scheme, started by a 20 something year old college student, has garnered noticeable traction. Sure, you can think of it as just a ploy to sell merchandise, but don’t hate on it. There’s some real potential here.

This real life political monty-python-esque piece of satiric comedy has all the makings of an intellectual Trojan horse. Our man on the inside of this asinine world of conspiracy. Our chance to bring these suckers down.

Part of the reason Bird’s Aren’t Real is able to do this is because it looks and operates like a legitimate conspiracy. There’s a full website devoted to the “facts” about the movements origin.

Those birds that crapped on you while you drank patio beers with your buddies? That’s the government deploying its tracking compound.

The meat you see on your plate during Turkey Dinner? Synthetic material.

All that juicy goodness you see on the side of the highway? Clearly, you know nothing about the advancements in modern robotics.

Deny, deny, deny. Die with the lie. That’s how any good argument gets dissmantled. Throw shade on the evidence until everybody gets lost in the dark. You begin explaining that birds are real, and end failing to prove that the government can’t create synthetic bird meat and cover up a mass genocide.

How’d you get here?

“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience”

— Mark Twain

Conspiracy theories have long been the intellectual refuge of the shit disturber.

Fed up with the facts, they resort to the lowest form of critical thinking. Casting doubt.

Some people just want to watch the world burn.

They flip us the bird and expect us to argue proof of its existence while they stick it up our butts.

And they act all high and mighty about it.

Well I’m fed up with taking the high road.

I can’t convince my roomate that Avril Lavigne hasn’t been replaced by a dopleganger, anymore than you can convince Elon Musk we’re not in a simulation. Evidently, we have no way of proving them wrong.


Birds Aren’t Real.

It’s time to wake up people.

Get with the program.

If you can’t beat em, join em. Enlist the force of a consipiracy so far fetched it’ll make Y2K nuts and moon landing sceptics say, “Come on guys, seriously?”

If anybody can smear the truth with government issued tracking compounds, then I’m free to argue, on their behalf, that JFK was assassinated because he didn’t O.K. the genocide of the bird species when government officials were mad that they were crapping all over their cars.

Some of you may be thinking that I’m going to far. I’m in too deep over my head.

That, in my heroic quest to find the narrative necessary to defeat these assholes, I’ve become the villain.

That I’ve become one of them.


Maybe I am preaching from this mountain top I’ve made out of an internet molehill.

Maybe I’m not.

If you don’t believe me, then prove it.

Prove birds are real.



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Small W’s

West coast kid with love for the East. Just out of uni and working on being alive. Will try almost anything once and will definitely write about it. Stay tuned.