The Alpha Dogs of Television
Table of Contents
1. Harvey Spectre
2. Bobby Axelrod
3. Don Draper
4. The Breakdown
Hello,
I’ve decided to include a table of contents for this post, just in case there are those of you out there who are familiar with the characters and don’t need me to describe them for you.
You can go ahead and skip to part 4.
Or hey, maybe read the bio’s anyways. I worked hard!
Thanks for reading.
Small W’s
Part 1
“Play the man, not the odds”
He has the last name of the villainous organization, but no one on this list is closer to James Bond than Harvey Spectre. The suit, the do, the cars, the chin, the strut, it’s all there. The bevy of fine looking women at his beck and call. The office romance with his secretary. The ball busting boss. The clever co-worker who, despite a considerable effort, just can’t seem to keep up. If 007 went to Harvard Law, he’d look like Harvey.
His job description is, in his own words, “Attorney. I close situations”. He’s the fixer. The problem solver. The Wolf (no Wallstreet). You know, The Wolf. The guy the boss sends to help you out when you got a body in the garage.
He’s less of a diplomat, more of a bulldozer. He rolls in and over everyone and everything in his way. That isn’t to say that he’s a blunt instrument. He’s just as likely to finesse as he is to overpower. Versatile, in style.
He’s got a condo overlooking the downton Manhattan skyline. There’s a personal elevator, usually transporting women to and from the bedroom. His office is tailored in fine furniture. His record collection, with a heavy jazz influence, has inspired a million knock-off playlists on YouTube. There are crystal decanters full of booze. Most notable are his balls.
Larry Bird, Shaq, Kobe, Mickey Mantle all signed, in glass display cases throughout the office.
Michael Jordan is his client. “#23 on my speed dial”.
As Harvey has proven time, and time again, there’s no one he can’t close. No matter the odds. Because when it comes down to it, man to man, there’s no one better.
Part 2
“The grounds shaking because I’m moving it”
Bobby Axelrod is less of a man, more of a force of nature. He embodies Warren Buffets claim about successful people, they “say no to almost everything”. Axe moves like a king on a chess board. He stays still, tells people off, delegates, weathers the storm of taunts and insults. Then, when it’s his time, he moves, with all the subtly of a tornado.
The high-powered world of hedgefunds and stock prices is his domain. He’s constantly in the know about events that haven’t even transpired yet. He once predicted the impact that a tsunami would have on the stock market after he read a news report on an underwater earthquake off the coast of Mozambique. He’s got teams of people feeding him intel. Most of it, he already knows. But Axe is no nerd. He’s a monster.
The guy started off as a bookie at the race track. Humble beginings that lent him his drive,
“Do you think I ever thought I’d be here?”.
He plays to win, and he plays hard. He’s hard on himself and everyone around him. And he has their respect. That isn’t an easy thing to accomplish. It’s one thing to be an asshole. It’s a completely different thing to inspire people while doing it.
The secret? He leads by example. Full throttle. Non-stop. He’ll lose Billions, with a B, and not even blink. Because it’s not about the money. That’s just how you keep score. For Axe,
“The moral of the story is you get one life, so do it all”.
Part 3
“What’s happiness? It’s a moment before you need more happiness”
It’s been said that there are only two tragedies in life:
Wanting something
and getting it.
I’ve saved this bio for last because it if by far the most difficult. The writers of the show crafted the perfect persona for an advertising executive: One who is a horrible fit for the job. He’s paranoid and guilt ridden. He has no confidence in his own abilities. He’s afraid no one will love him for who he is. He’s a pathological liar. Two faced. Dishonest. Crooked. A true wreck of a soul. A coward in hiding.
If you think I’ve made a mistake, you haven’t accepted the truth; Dick Whitman sucks.
Don Draper, on the other hand…
It’s ironic, the moment he walks into a room, and you reach out your hand and call him Don, you’ve already bought the pitch. He’s hooked you, line and sinker.
The ultimate smooth talking, charismatic con artist, Don lives in the golden age of the business man. He wakes up, puts on a suit, grabs a cup of coffee and a briefcase, kisses the wife and kids, and heads out the door.
At least, that’s what he’s supposed to do. This guy knows a thing or two about selling a narrative. He’s just as adept at sniffing one out. And he isn’t buying what society is selling,
“You’re born alone and you die alone, and this world just drops a bunch of rules on you to make you forget those facts but I never forget”.
Sure, he looks relaxed. Doubtless, you’ve seen a poster of Don draped over some chair, cross legged, socks showing, glass in hand, dart in his finger tips. He owns his pace, and the room. The centre of every scene, he dictates and decides. Make no mistake, this is a man hurtling towards his doom.
The crisp exterior is home to a perpetually unsatiated desire. A desire he peddles with reckless ease,
“Advertising is based on one thing: Happiness”.
Love is just a slogan. Something to reassure you, keep you satisfied. For a little while.
He’s a fraud, a man caught in a Faustian drama. Like Dorian Grey, he wants something that, outwardly, he already has. And now that he has it, having done horrible things to get it, it isn’t what he wants.
He hit the restart button and got out of a life he didn’t want to lead. His new life is surrounded by people doing just that; starting over. Whatever you may think of Don Draper you can’t deny, the man comes as advertised.
Part 4
Don’t meet these heroes
I can’t continue without first acknowledging that you wouldn’t want to hang out with these guys. Or, more accurately, you’d be disappointed if you did.
We all like to dream of running with the bulls. But this, isn’t that.
This is like being covered in bacon fat and locked in a cage with a Tiger.
The Tigers going to win. Sure, maybe you get lucky and manage to squeek out of there alive. But ask yourself, would you be disappointed if you did?
I know I would. I look up to these guys. I wouldn’t want to escape unscathed. It would diminsh their legend.
We don’t like watching them operate because they’re freindly. They’re predatory in movement and in mindset. They don’t look at you as a pal, they look at you like a meal. Or they don’t look at you, at all.
These men are on a mission. They are about their business. They don’t have time to deal with the bullshit of grabbing a beer with me. No matter how badly I want an interview for my blog, I’d be disappointed if they gave one to me.
Cheese please
I love cheese. The more, the better. Pizza, sandwich, omelette you name it.
The Greeks have a dish called seganaki. Its cheese, and only cheese, fried in a pan. And it’s amazing.
They light that thing on fire right in your face and yell Opa!
Smoothly segueing back to the topic, it’s the only thing missing from these shows.
The cheese. I can’t seem to find it anywhere. And it should be easy.
When you think about the anatomy of these characters, it’s simple: They win. There’s no disguising that fact.
Their jobs are corporate lawyer, Hedgefund CEO and advertising executive. Don Draper isn’t just the man, he works for him too. They all do.
These are the heavy favourites in every conflict.
They’re intelligent (supernatually so), educated, handsome, fit men with exceptional resources. They’re supposed to win. Harvey’s always saying, “Our backs are against the wall”. Like Han Solo, he never wants to be told the odds.
Why not? They’re always in his favour!
No one shorts any Axe Captial stock. You’d be a moron. You do what Reddit does and buy Game Stop stock. Which would make sense, everybody loves an underdog. The common folk don’t dispense with an opportunity to stick it to the man.
Axe is the living embodiement of what the Wall Street Bets page hates about the stock market. What your average individual joe trader rails against on a routine basis. We should hate the guy, but, instead, we love watching him win.
Constantly.
And his name? Axelrod. Are you fucking kidding me?
How do these guys we wouldn’t like to meet, don’t like in real life, and are clearly overpowered, keep us entertained?
What is about these characters that we find compelling?
Broken People
“There is a crack, a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in”
— Leonard Cohen
These men are opaque onions, to their very core.
Monoliths of masculinity, they don’t betray their true feelings on a regular basis. And when they do, when that chink in the armour appears and we get a good look at what’s inside these guys, we find… Something pretty messed up.
Rough childhoods, fake personas, mistresses, alcoholism, social dysfunction and broken families. The psychology of Don Draper alone can be mortifying.
These men do outrageous things to win. It’s not a choice. It looks more like a disease.
The disease of more.
“Life, it’s like this. I like this” — Harvey Spectre
“If you’re gonna do a thing, do it all the way” — Bobby Axelrod
“I don’t want 50% of anything, I want 100%” — Don Draper
This success comes with a steep cost. They’re drowning in misery for the love of the game.
We love to think that you can’t have one without the other. It’s what keeps us enthralled; the sacrifice.
Most of us willingly believe we can accomplish things if we apply ourselves. It’s the thought of the cost that causes us to hesitate.
What would it take to be Harvey Spectre?
Go down to your nearest law firm and find out. Sit in a cubicle next to the newest associates. Watch them read and file and stack and scratch papers. Watch them do it for 60 hours a week. It isn’t glamorous.
But when these three do it, it is. We love watching them work. We love seeing them opperate. Our window into a world of winners.
Because winning, at that level, at Harvey and Bobby and Don’s level, is about more than just the work.
Knowing these characters, if they weren’t such broken people, if they were happy, whole, satisfied, could they still win?
Would we worship them the same way if they could?
Of course not.
It’s not that their flaws make them relatable. There’s nothing relatable about my life to any of theirs.
They’re barely human. They’re are inner animals, unleashed. We like to think we could do what they do, so long as we were willing to give up what they could.
It’s an excuse and a magnet all at once.
What Spectre, Axe and Draper represent is more than 16 hour work days, a nice 401K, a paid mortgage, a garage full of toys and a cottage to fuck off too.
A smoking hot wife and adoring kids, proud parents and the perfect work/life balance.
It’s what you would look like if you had something you were willing to give all that up for.
And loved that you were doing it.
