Gandalf Would Kick Dumbledore’s Ass
I’m a competitve person by nature. Unable to simply enjoy two respective greats of their genre as literary equals, I must be that guy who wonders,
“Who would win in a fight?”
Luckily I’ve grown up in an internet age where such questions run rampant, and are often monetized.
Check out Death Battle on YouTube.
Deadliest Warrior when it used to run on Spike.
Animal Face-Off before it started to feel unethical.
Pokemon before Ryan Reynolds got a hold of it.
Are you telling me that you’ve never been asked, “Who would win in a fight: A gorilla or a grizzly bear?
Or, the absurd…
“Who would win in a fight: A trillion lions or the sun?”
You haven’t?
You need better friends.
Why do we speculate on such things?
I feel like the answers tell us more about each other, than they do about the combatants in question.
The truth is, I don’t know why we do it.
But I fucking love it.
Maybe one day, when we’re all out of this ridiculous phase, we’ll be satisfied simply appreciating the joy that’s been brought into our lives thanks to these two heroes.
But today, it’s all the rage to test the boundaries of whats deemed acceptable logic for two entities to cross swords, staffs, wands, whatever.
If the Paul brothers can fight actual martial artists, why can’t two Wizards duke it out?
So
The Breakdown
Basic compare and contrast style argument:
- Gandalf and Dumbledore
- How they match up
- The key takeaways
Special emphasis will be placed on the bouts against bad guys (these are heroes after-all), how they utilize their teamates (it’s a team effort) and their respective origins (lineage matters).
The Tale Of The Tape
Gandalf is Gangster.
He is, absolutley, the last grandfather-like, all-powerful, wisdom-speaking-spirit-guide in pop culture that I would want to cross.
Everyone who deals with this guys badside ends up in shitty town.
He does not mess around.
Balrog? Demon of the ancient world? Fire incarnate? Dark soul imbued with the wrath of Morgoth? Dragon riding-city-smouldering-monster-mother fucker?
Get wrecked.
Saruman, the head of the wizard order, back stabbing son of a bitch? Toast.
And he takes his job after he’s done with him.
Theodin of Rohan, possessed by the evil wizard? That won’t do, he’s out.
Denothor doesn’t want the return of the King? Read the movie title pal.
As if this blog post wasn’t enough of a giveaway, this Wizard begins this battle like he spells his job description; with a W.
The Bad Guy
Sauron, the dark lord, plague upon his realm for the better part of 2 ages? Dummied. Ended by Gandalf’s agent, who he snuck into Sauron's own barn through his back door as he wiped the floor with his minions on his front porch.
In a stunning tactical maneuver, Gandalf gives the greatest weapon of all time to a dunce, with the coordination of a paraplegic, minus his crutches, on a 17 beer bender.
It’s the move Sauron, literally, didn’t see coming.
His roster includes the King of Men, a veteran of 87 years and countless wars.
A prince of Elves, who’s busy inventing new ways to kill orcs to stave off the boredom of being too damn clean with a bow and arrow.
And a Dwarf who’s choked he didn’t get the chance to single handedly merc every orc in Mordor.
All that talent, and Gandalf hands off the rock to the water boys little nephew, asking him to go end to end with it, as he and the lads block up front.
And it works.
No eagles necessary. Save to stretcher him off to safety after the game ending scrum on the goal line.
Tactical genius?
Maybe.
Bold and daring?
Certainly.
Godlike even?
You could say so.
Well, technically he’s a spirit sent to Middle Earth to help assist the realms version of god.
While he is thousands of years old, and is certainly not mortal, he’s not technically a diety. Altought it’s safe to assume they’re on a first name basis.
And he’s probably smoked pipe weed with him.
Like he does with everybody.
Which leads me to my next point:
Gandalf is a good guy.
You’d love to hang with him, when he’s in a good mood.
He roams the land, lending a hand, constantly checking in with his fellow bro’s and keeping tabs on their adventures. He’s fighting firedrakes, reclaiming lost halls and homes, returning stolen treasure, and throwing absolutely banging 111th birthday parties.
This motherfucker comes back to life, sneak attacks his bro’s (The 3 GOATS of their respective races no less) in a dark forrest, just to dick around. Then he pops out of the woods, whistles, and, low and behold, The Lord Of All Horses shows up to give him a lift.
That’s Gandalf.
The Elvin queen is his side piece.
The king of the Eagles? His ace in the hole.
Death itself can’t even harsh this guys good buzz.
Whether you wanna smoke goblins, or that long bottom leaf, he’s got the green light.
There’s a lot on his plate, protecting the peoples of Middle Earth, but he always makes time for his boys.
They trust him, and it’s a sentiment that’s returned.
It took a lot of stones to turn down The Ring of Power when Frodo offered it to him. And it took a big ol set of them to convince the guy to carry it across the planet into hell. For the squad.
You can feel dubious about how Gandalf got the job done. Did he manipulate Frodo?
That’s a strong word.
Maybe a little bit?
Look, he put those 4 meat bag Hobbits in harms way.
But unquestionably, Gandalf is ,even as The Grey, always on the side of good.
He genuinely cares for Frodo, and his motivations are always for the defeat of evil. And just because Mary and Pippin are morons causing havoc and getting into deadly scenarios, that can’t be held against him. The guy can’t do everything.
He’s walked the earth for 2000 years, and in all that time, he’s only ever done what was best for everyone else.
“All that we have to do, is decide what to do, with the time that is given to us”
Albus Theodore Rubius Bryan Dumbledore.
Dare I say, I’m not a fan?
It’s not just the fact that he’s pretentious (5 names…Really?),
I actually think Dumbledore is a shitty guy.
Unquestionably powerful. Down right heroic. With the best of intentions, sure.
But a good man?
I don’t think so.
I’m not just talking about how he manipulates and flat out lies to Harry at every conceivable point and turn.
And he does lie.
Like, all the time.
Lies of omission are still lies. And Dumbledore omits the truth way the sun emits gamma rays.
And you wouldn’t like Dumbledore when he’s angry.
Just ask Abeforth. Or Hagrid. Tom Riddle. Or, better yet, Snape.
Dumbledore is holding all the cards. He’s constatnly in the know. In fact, he might be the only guy in the show who know’s everything that’s going on.
Just like Gandalf, except Dumbledore isn’t a bro.
He’s a puppetmaster. A shadowy orchestrator, delighting in the dance others do to his tune.
Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witch Craft and Wizardry.
And during his tenure, a lot of kids got killed.
Like, a lot.
Or petrified.
One kid was both.
It’s a stark contrast in teaching styles: Dumbledore prefers to let the kids learn through experience, while Gandalf prefers to keep his little delinquents on the strait and narrow.
Who am I to say which method is preferable?
Gandalf’s. Definately Gandalfs.
Look, I’m all for kids figuring shit out by themselves, when it’s lessons like don’t eat yellow snow, touch the wet paint, or pee on an electric fence.
But fighting the basilisk in the chamber of secrets? Or a professor Lupin werewolf? A deadly tournament where the participants are Death Eaters? Or a psychic showdown with The Dark Lord?
These are not the times to learn through experience!
Dumbledore putting four kids in the Forbidden Forrest for a night on detention (all because they were trying to stop the deadliest wizard in history from regaining physical form) would be like Aragorn sending Pippin to live with the Nazgul after he alerted the Goblins in The Mines of Moria.
That’s a dick move bro.
Sure, these kids are hardened warriors by the end of their education. No slouches at sleuthing either. And your average Death Eater is a tougher task than a regular orc.
Not to mention the litany of magical objects and animals at their disposal for assistance.
Cheif among them being The Elder Wand, Dumbledore’s ultimate weapon.
Yet despite it being unbeatable, he still gets disarmed by Draco in the clock tower, and subsequently loses possesion of it.
Any weapon that doesn’t belong to you after it gets knocked out of your hand, once, by a teenager with wicked mental depression and anxiety, is not a battle ready instrument.
So while these kids and adults may be able to perform greater feats of power, when it gets down to the nitty gritty of a fight, they just aren’t in the same league.
They’d rather strategize and problem solve than come to blows.
Whereas Gandalf and Gimli will go anyone any day at anytime.
That matters.
To cap it all off, Dumbledore decided to go out on his own terms. Like a boss.
Sort of.
If Gandalf’s trick play, his Philly Special, was sending the Ring to Mordor in the hands of a Hobbit, then Dumbledores ace up his sleeve was killing himself.
Brilliant.
And its not even like he did it on his own, he had his whipping boy (Oh my god Snape why?) do it on his orders. In front of Harry, his prized pupil. Without giving him a heads up first.
Why not tell Harry? I have no fucking idea.
“Hey listen kid, I’m about to die. Snape’s going to kill me. Don’t worry, it’s all under control… Listen, I’ll tell you all about it later. Meet me in my office. I’ll be in a portrait on the wall”
Or… Or, you could traumatize the kid. Let him watch you get Avada ke-fucked out of a bell tower.
No warning, no nothing.
Like, what the hell?
The Bout
Few things are working in Dumbledore’s favour here. His villain is his former pupil, supported by a litany of his other former students. His squads moral is frequently low, due to lack of leadership, social skills and an willingness to delegate key strategies and tactical info.
He rules with an iron fist, and he’s about to get fisted.
The X-factor here is Hermoine, who is an undisputed juggernaut and quite possibly the deadliest weapon on the field. But a lack of insight into the overall strategy and Dumbledores unwillingness to delegate means she’s left in the dark. Her best asset is her mind, and if she can’t utilize that, then her value gets sliced in half.
And when you consider that Gandalfs squad is 3 full grown warriors at their peak and prime, and Dumbledore is rolling with a trio of kids, it doesn’t look good.
Overall, it’s a clean sweep.
Gandalf has the stronger team.
He’s the better leader.
And if you look at their respective records, Gandalfs one and only L came against this guy…
Dumbledore lost to this guy…
So while Dumbledore would definately school Gandalf in a Games of Thrones style political battle, full of cloak and dagger schemes and plots, in a straight fight, there’s no way Dumbledore is getting out alive.
Most importantly, if Frodo had offered Dumbledore The Ring of Power, he would have taken it.
That’s the difference.
Decision
Gandalf.
Duh.
Gandalf would kick Dumbledore’s ass.
And Tywin Lannister might beat both of them.
